Paper Heart Crumbled In The Rubble.

Useless like the retina's of eyes detached
from their sockets to avoid crying.
Removed like fingernail crud
that clawed at my back
when we used to make love.
Now it is lost like a laundry sock,
or,
house keys of a home we once built;
foundations on sand.
You slipped...
through my fingers.
Nameless you'll remain
until i revoke your shame.

Lucky

My mother doesn't deserve my love. I'm going to love her anyway.

C'mon Get Up (Learning How To Walk Again)

C'mon get up darling, its time for you to get fed.
i know you like your crib, but soon you'll sleep on a bed.
look how fast you're crawling, and now you're beginning to walk.
you astound us all by how quickly you've began to talk

C'mon you gotta get up. time to use the potty.
you're favorite word these days is "no", to both me and your mommy.
you run around the house and fill it with such laughter.
let's stay in this moment forever and live happily ever after.

C'mon get up, you don't want to be late for school.
I've iron pressed a new outfit and polished your favorite shoes.
Today is your first day and you deserve to look your best.
Don't you worry, i promise to pick you up when the day begins to rest.

C'mon you gotta get up you got picked to play the game!!!
You can daydream later on about the fortune and the fame.
I know it helps the days go by; since your momma passed away
Yes your daddy's got some issues, but he'll come around, just pray.

C'mon get up... hurry up! here's your shoes and your clothes
last night was wonderful but i think i hear my folks
graduation is tomorrow and you're our class val edict
but i also have some news for you: im 2 months pregnant

C'mon get up... you're really drunk and out of control
things haven't been working for years but for your child you won't go.
Your wife can't take it any more that's why she's filing for divorce,
i know you caught her cheating but not leaving her was your course

C'mon get up! Do you have any type of ID?
don't you have anywhere to stay this late night at 20 after 3?
there's no sleeping in any public parks after it gets dark
plus we'll have to book you for this baggie full of tar.

C'mon get your ass up! time to move you from this cell
sons of bitches like yourself never get posted bail
don't matter that you're leaving, i'm sure that you'll return.
it's pathetic how people like you just don't learn.

C'mon start getting up, you've got an important bus ride
if you do well, this night may be the beginning of a new life
you finished school, so good for you but this is just the start
you want a career in a competitive field? start by showing heart

C'mon! You gotta get up! you just won the coveted award
this is the moment that you worked so very hard for
this dream that is being realized is grander than you envisioned
look, even your big boy is proud of you and very smitten

The virtues of a man are rarely seen as he falls,
they're realized when with no strength to stand
he keeps forward as he struggles just to crawl.

Status Updates (continuous)

the only way to obtain that which you desire, is to not want it.

Learn to compromise or your heart and feelings will be compromised.

your slithering tongue shall become infected and it will hurt you just to eat. And you'll live full of resentment for the lies you vilely speak. (10:23pm on 01/22/11)

half a thought.

i disagree, for love's mutiny
took the hardened part of me
and broke the chains of slavery
that fear and anger preyed to be
while i drowned in a sea of misery
...they patiently waited all the while
i walked in the past of my denial
until in a soft gaze i found my destiny

just a thought

as i let go i begin to free fall through the atmosphere. my breath is stolen, my heart skips but half a beat and i realize that god is with me. within me. if i die i will but wake up to the reality that was meant to be my life. in today's workshop, the emphasis was on just letting go and allowing the imagery of a choice take you, lead you, guide you through the story that we told. we laughed, we cried, we got angry, but it all came through a filter of love. i love this craft people. Acting is my purpose next to Aileen. like my friend Kim said today, "i live to act. if im not acting im not living." every member of the coalition feels this way because this is where we belong, this is what we are creating for ourselves. we didn't look to get in were we fit in, we decided to say "Fuck The Unit." and create our own place on here.

Fucking with History...Again You Bastards???

They say that history is written by the winners. therefore to the victor go the spoils. Yet there are some things that should not be changed simply because it dilutes that which is being purposefully altered. In regards to rewriting Huck Finn and removing the word "nigger" from it: pretending racism never happened and continues happening in America is a worse insult to the African American community than it is to acknowledge that one of the most influential writers of American Literature was just calling it like he saw it. The whole purpose is not for THIS generation to forget, but rather, future generations to never KNOW how a group of people were treated in the United States.

What average grade school child or high school teeanger can tell you of the monstrosities done to the Mayans/Aztecs and other native groups of latin America during the "Conquista?" very few if any, i can guarantee that. the reason being is because they teach people little songs like "in 1492 columbus sailed the ocean blue" and forget to mention all the atrocities committed to others in the name of church and state. but i trail from my point. I dont state Twain was a racist (at least not towards black people. native americans, now that was another story), on the contrary, i've done massive research on the man and he was a brilliantly passionate yet, tormented soul. if the word nigger appears 200 plus times in his literature it can probably be safe to assume that it was spoken 10 fold on a daily basis in the time he was writing it. I agree with my friend Brian Lofing when he commented that the impact that single word has had on an entire group of people has altered their personal journeys for ever because of what the attachments are. 

Native americans are allowed to build casino's on their reservations and they are now "self reliant." that doesnt make up for what was done to them hundreds of years ago. im not blaming "whitey" for this. in my view, it is not a color issue, it is an issue of the first amendment of our constitution. Some would argue that censorship is necessary in order to create a more peace world where tolerance can be achieved. yet censorship, its very nature is INTOLERANT of views that are different from the status quo. Censorship is used to silence, it does not create, it eliminates free thinking. Comparing words such as "papist" and "The Romish Church" to the word "Nigger" is truly comparing apples to oranges. I do not believe that ignorance is bliss. and i do not think that intelligent people do either. if they did, why would they chose to become educated scholars, or even learned for that matter? it wouldn't make sense. 

i agree that derogatory terms are vile across the board and there was a time when being a catholic could get you killed in the first first centuries of the previous millennium. yet in modern history, i have never heard of a latin catholic, or irish catholic, or italian catholic, or [_insert ethnicity here__] catholic persecuted, denied basic rights, and traded as slaves. The African American community was treated much like the Undocumented community is treated in the US now, as second hand-lowered life formed individuals with little to no rights. but i trail off the topic. 

Huck Finn's impact does not lie in the usage of the word nigger, but it is my belief to remove the word is to deny what occurred. African Americans will never forget what was done to them in this country, much like the Japanese will never forget what we did to them during WW2, much like we shall never forget what was done to us on 9/11/01. pretending that it never happened 100 years from now, would be to spit in the grave of all those people that experienced those moments and made them part of their truth. its like those idiots that go around claiming that the Holocaust never happened. I'd known and broken bread with survivors, i've heard the horror stories. to forget is to deny.

Snapshot Of The Last Decade Of My Life

i don't believe in new year resolutions.simply because i know that i can start over anytime i choose, not just January first. people may say that im not getting in to the tradition of things, but fuck tradition. i dont care for it. 

2010, the last year of the decade (or was it the first year of the next decade? i dont know. fuck it.). The last year of 10 years of my life that have come and gone like fleeting moments in the blink of an eye. here is a recap of what occurred in my life, just for shits and giggles, and anyone that may wander through, spolier alert, nothing i wouldnt announce on a loud speaker to the public like an evangelist on the street corner can be found here:

• 2000: The Year The World Wasn't Destroyed By Computers.
• I get my good enough degree (GED). cause school is for suckers. 
• got kicked out of the house i lived with my mom and brothers and was forced to live on my own when i turned 18. Best gift my mother gave me at that point in time when i think about it in retrospect.
• i first began working in a nursing home.
• It was the last time i saw Anel Jimenez for more than 10 years.
• my first full length feature documentary starring my dysfunctional family as well as myself entitled AKA CREEK: EDUCATING A BIG CITY SCHOOL BOY was released and won various awards at various film festivals.
• flew and visited Washington DC for the first time.
• was supposed to have graduated from high school but fuck that noise.
• Emceeing at Project Blow'd and LYRICALLY OUTSPOKEN KIDS consume most of my time.   
• 2001: The Year We Were Attacked
• Stupid Ass Weroe decides to joing the military on the 23rd of August, Phatty's birthday. he tries to convince me to join, stating we breeze through four years of active duty because "nobody wants to fuck with US." he forgets lil bush has just gotten elected president. i know shit will go down soon.
• 09/11/01: shit went down. we got attacked and the twin towers (WTC) of New York collapsed. this started a holy war with the United States that wages until this day.
• Heidy tells me she's pregnant. surprisingly, i am not surprised. i tell her she's going to have a girl. she smacks me upside the head. cries, calls me an asshole, then we get it on.
• i get a full ride to Penn State... should i stay or should i go. should i leave Heidy and pursue school or should i stay with her and take my chances?
• Heidy moves in with me. talk about not knowing what you're getting yourself into.
• Grandpa dies on December 24th. it is the first year we celebrate Christmas with Mom's new husband David.
• 2002: The Year I Became A Daddy
• Aileen is Born on a Friday afternoon. i lose my shit all day. Gee laughs at me and tells me he will always have my back. Jewels witnesses the birth.
• The Lakers beat Sacramento to clutch the Western Conference Championship and go on to win the Finals this year. Good times were had by all.
• i begin working for the house of Windsor in Los Angeles. i get let go by the end of the year due to budget cuts
• Heidy, Baby, and I move in with Carol. i know its just a matter of time before shit goes down.
• i go balls out and spend every last dime on gifts for christmas for everyone. living for the moment. that's all there is to it
• chino goes to Juvi for almost 2 years.
• 2003: The Year I Was Welcomed To The OC With A Cold Cut And A Gatorade
• shit went down with Carol. going back to Edgeware Road was a mistake. Heidy ends up living there with Aileen while i go to stay with Jewels.
• I leave to Washington DC to meet some big wigs in education including at time secretary of education Ron Paige. i miss the filming of The Day After Tomorrow due to it.
• i almost end up homeless. aileen and i go live with my mom. she picks us up on February 18th, Heidy's 19th birthday. she stays behind because sometimes listening to your parents (in this case mine own) isn't always a good thing.
• i get a job at Windsor Anaheim Thanks to Joye. i bring Heidy in two weeks later.
• we move into a room on Orange and Beach the 10th of May. Welcome to the OC. I was shocked to see all the Latinos. i thought the OC was whiteytown. 
• I meet CLYDEIGHT. one of my closest doggs and first rhyme partner since Argue.
• Phatty gets preggers with Sharon. shit gets real. Gee stops living with mom. stops talking to phatty because of the incident.
• 2004: The Year I Resumed My Miseducation
• We welcome Sharon to the family
• reluctantly graduate from HS and get my Diploma as part of my terms and conditions to get a free ride to college from Checker.
• I start the fall semester taking intro to swimming at 8am mon/wed (i know, im a fucking idiot) and college writing on tues/thurs/
• i begin interning with the social work dept at work.
• we begin the yearly disneylad trip tradition for Aileen's birthday.
• mom announces that she and whomever else wants to role (except for I) will be moving to Japan for three and a half years since David has to serve overseas. we all celebrate that mom is going away.
• 2005: The Year I began Social Work.
• i feel artistically dead. i hardly write anything during this time.
• Heidy and I get our first apartment together. Nancy moves in with us.
• I continue school as a business major and im miserable due to it. i originally wanted to major in music or journalism but checker said it was not a "respectable discipline." what ever the fuck that meant. i bomb my first and only semester at Cypress College.
• New Major: Psychology
• Gee announces he got Tina preggers. we all point and laugh at him.
• I get Promoted to Social Services Assistant (junior social worker). i get certified and begin gaining clout and responsibility in the building. 
• spend my last christmas with Heidy and Aileen as a familiy.
• I meet DJ P, rekindles my passion for music and helps me cuts some tracks.
• 2006: The Year The Lie Ended
• mom takes off to Japan
• We welcome Jadey mommas to the family
• Gee and Tina move in with us
• phatty announces that she is engaged. plans to introduce us to her future hubby in October.
• We meet Perry for the first time. Gee and Phatty speak again after more than two years. He meets Sharon for the first time in person.
• Phatty gets Married.
• Heidy Leaves Dec. 13th. Chino's 19th birthday. the argument that sparks this series of events began in the morning when she caused me to be late for my math final at school. i fail the math but pass the class. im bitter about it the whole day. we get in an argument that leads me to state that if she is so unhappy she should just leave. she follows through with just that.
• Christmas sucks.
• 2007: The Year I Remembered My Calling
• Anel and I find each other again through Classmates.com after not knowing anything of each other since i last saw her on 10/11/00. we begin speaking on the phone.
• i begin dating Elaine.
• i move Long Beach for the first time with Uncle Otto. I rent a back property apartment.
• I take a trip to DC to clear my mind. doesn't work. but i have a shit load of fun with an "assistant."
• First day of fall semester. i decide to take intro to theatre as an art req. i meet Barbara Braden-Mayer for the first time in her class. she's promoting the fall semester's new show: Long Story Short, a play about abuse, homeless, drug addiction and other social ills. i talk to Elaine about it when i get home that evening. i show her the flyer. she encourages me to audition. she tells me i have nothing to lose and asks me what i have to do that is so pressing at the moment? i decide to audition. I get cast as Hooch in my first production at cypress college. My life is forever altered. I rediscover my love for acting and Theatre. my one role turns in 5 roles altogether. 
• i begin taking acting classes under the tutelage of Mark Majarian and my road to mastery of the Eric Morris system begins.
• 2008: The Time Of My Life
• I get invited to participate in the KCACTF exhibiting the hooch/dr scene from Long Story Short. It is my first time at the competition and i go with Vinnie and Hunter. I solidify the thought that Acting is what i wish to do for the rest of my life.
• i continue taking courses at cypress trying to get my AA and transfer. low key working on creating a career in Theatre. i finance my own theatre courses.
• continue to rediscover who i am. begin writing a whole lot more than i used to.
• I audition for TOYL and get cast as Kit Carson. one of my favorite roles to date.
• Heidy and I try to make things work out one more time. she moves in with me. Christmas this year is ok.
• Mom and Phatty come back from Japan.
• i finish my Gen Ed requirements. I qualify to Graduate from Cypress College.
• I begin Applying to Universities. I get Accepted into 9 of the 12 schools i applied for including UCSD, UCI, and about 5 Cal States.
•  2009 U-N-I-Versitility
• Heidy and I split again for the last time.
• We welcome Maya to the family.
• I do my first production of Shakespeare. Study privately with Lisa Wolpe.
• I audition for UCLA. i dont get in. lesson learned: be more shallow.
• i accept admission to UC Irvine. I become an Anteater.
• I graduate from Cypress College that summer.
• I move on Campus to UC Irvine. The experience blows. Gee moves in with me.
• I Become an Uncultivated Rabbit. South Central Representing up in this MuFukka!
• i begin perform after a long haitus. this is the beginning of my performance trail with music and spoken word.
• I Quit the house of Windsor as the senior social worker. focus on school full time.
• i learn stage combat while on set for 3 Musketeers. good times!
• shoot Rosewood.
• 2010: Getting Back To Where I Belong
• move back home to long beach.
• take a break from Irvine
• battle depression due to not doing theatre and feeling as if im cheating myself artistically. depression lasts about 4 months.
• I finish the second half of scene study class and set myself up to direct during the summer.
• Direct "The Anatomy of Gazelles" by Janine Salinas during the Play Festival 2010.
• Begin Studying Meisner with Tom Ormeny.
• Begin Studying Viewpoints through voice and diction with Judd Johnson
• Cast as Jimmy in Almost, Maine.
• Cast in Mammoth Gorge with Vanessa O'Neal
• Perform at SP!T. leading to me becoming a company member of UTM
• Begin Interning at LATC
• I Form The CPE with 10 other friends and artists.
• I get paid for my spoken word for the first time after over 15 years of training.
• i rediscover love within me after many years of not having it.
• Uncle Manny passes away monday the 27th of December.

I know that there is alot more. i may or may not edit and add to this. but in the meantime i think i've spent enough time on this. till next time.