Getting Older (2/30) NaPoMo 2016

The only time I feel old is when I scold at my reflection. I’m still here. I still recognize myself from all those years. Years that are now a series of faded images, resemblances of blurred, limited, photographs in the stead of bright, vivid motion pictures, I used to recall in my mind.

The only time I feel old is when I look at my daughter and I see how much she’s grown. How she is quickly turning into a young lady: feisty like her mother, passionate like her father; gifted all on her own. She’s begun to yearn for independence like all teenagers her age do.

The only time I feel old is when I look at my mother’s hands. Hands that cradled me, comforted me, slapped me, caressed me, stabbed me, steadied me, held me when I was left, clapped for me when I was on stage, held my hand when I crossed the street. My foundation.

The only time I feel old is when I look at the skyline of Los Angeles and marvel at its beauty, while lamenting the change that is stripping it of the memories I created with friends i long ago lost contact with, in places that no longer exist any further.

The only time I feel old is when I see the people I grew up with. Some of us made it, some of us didn’t. Most of us are alive, but very few of us are living. some of us are happy and fulfilled, many of us are still searching.

The only time I feel old is when I realize that i’m almost the age my father was when he died. I ponder on his life and am reminded that their is still so much left to do. So much left to see and experience. I am his legacy. Through me he can live vicariously.

The only time I feel old is when my daughter asks at the slang I use. She thinks i shouldn’t use terminology that my generation creates because it’s just “weird” to hear me say it. dafuq? When did I stop being cool?

The only time I feel old is when I push my body to the limit and it says “fuck you. I don’t work that way!” and I am clearly reminded of my physical limitations. The muscles aches and joint pains that creep every now and then make me long for my childhood.

My soul is eternal but my vessel is wearing out. slowly. surely. eventually. Because that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I am grateful for the chance many don’t get: to grow old.

2011: A Year in Retrospect

Its easy to admit that this past year was one of intense change, tremendous growth, and tumultuous shit! i tested my patience, my faith and belief in myself, but most importantly, i reconnected with myself in a way that i only thought i had in years past. I welcomed new members into my ever growing family, and i am thankful that i didn't lose any members of my existing family. My journey brought me back home permanently to my beautiful city of angels after a 10 year hiatus. I've created and succeeded, and i've created and learned from the shortcomings. Here is a month to month highlight breakdown of moments in my life this past year we called 2011. A year where i came back to myself and i committed to myself as an artist, as a father, as a man, but simply, as a person.

January: My Father Reincarnated?

• Fresh from our weekly winter workshops (say that real fast 3 times!), i and the rest of the Coalition of Professional Experiencers get ready to go another round at Cypress College. Brian Lofing, Kimberly Gonzalez, and I get cast in Romeo and Juliet which Marky is Directing. Adam Jaso is also cast but he is not part of the coalition. Kim and I are not on speaking terms because of differences that we ourselves don't really know other than feelings that lingered longer than needed for the work we had finished in December 2010. Loaf and I give our words to help each other through a production that would test what we thought we knew about the craft. He begins preparing for Mercutio, I for Capulet, Kim for Lady Montague, and Adam initially for Montague (later he also takes on the role of Paris).
• I enroll in what i feel will be my last semester as an acting major at Cypress, as well as the end of my studies all together there (at least for a while). I enroll in Judd Johnson's version of Ann Bogart's movement course which he learned directly from her, and i also enroll in his improv class which promises to be fun. I take scene study with Marky, checking off the final course in the fundamentals of the Morris System before i a) take off and learn from Eric himself, or b) wait until Mark begins teaching privately and continue learning from him. I take Camera Acting once more for shits and giggles since i know im going to need a class where i can just explore freely with craftual and instrumentals approaches without having the pressure of producing a completed product (although we know that a role is never truly completed).
• I move out of Uncle Otto's house. I move back to Anaheim. i rent a small room from a lady named Gloria, who is fairly nice. i strip myself of the remainder of my material possessions and prepare myself to dive head first into the work and eliminating as many distractions as possible. 
• Caitlin Miller and I begin becoming real close friends. we happen to have some of the same classes and we find that we enjoy each others company. we begin hanging out after class. I teach her how to play chess. She reminds me that not all people are pieces of shit. I'd say that's a good trade off.
• I discover the power of Dynamic movement thanks to Judd Johnson.
• Caitlin and i go on our first hike to the Hollywood sign on January 30th, my father's birthday. the day starts off foggy and drizzly. We have breakfast at Denny's on Sunset. afterwards we walk down Hollywood Blvd and catch the subway to Universal City Walk. A day well spent in memory of my father with the best of company to keep me smiling.
• My cousin Betty gives birth to her third son, Benjamin. I meet him for the first time a week after he is born. the first time i look into his eyes he immediately feels familiar to me as i to him. he smiles at me as if saying "Ah, there you are. I was wondering when you were going to stop by to see me." this sense of familiarity for the new born was further heightened when I was told that he was born on the same day as my deceased father. I don't believe coincidences.

February: Zombie Prom

• Thanks to Sal, Michael and Danny, A bunch of us decide to dress up as dead zombies and go to the "Zombie Prom" Saint Motel concert at the Alexandria Hotel in downtown L.A. on 5th and Spring. this event happens on the saturday before valentine's day. we freak a bunch of people out when we stop at a local in-n-out. good times were had by all.
• Things with the CPE begin to crumble.
• I perform at BEYOND THE BOOTS benefit with other fellow poets. Event hosted by Hosanna Wong.

March: Beware The Ides of March

• not much to recap for this month except that i was deeply invested in my craft and the characterization of the role i was going to be playing in April.
• Feelings outside of friendship begin to surface for Caitlin. We've had been spending a lot of time together. It's only a matter of time before this thing either grows or blows up in my face.
• I perform again for UTM's SPIT under the direction of KasiTeYani.
• Shooting for Two Rooms written and directed by Marvin Choi begins. I play the role of Carlos.

April: C & A is the New R & J

• With the Opening of R&J, Caitlin and I begin dating. I took an incredible journey in that production. I went to places that i knew i could but dreaded going. It was both rewarding and taxing. To lose oneself within a character. to blur the lines of the self and the character so much so that there were times when i didn't know where the man ended and where the character began. My friend Gary Colon knew and understood this best from all the cast. 
• I take Caitlin to her first Open Mic in L.A. entitled Speak Easy hosted by Lady Bosco in downtown L.A. Where she performs alongside me and my friends of ForWord.
• The CPE has its last workshop with the entire original group. we tear each other apart. no one really recoups from it. that is the last Workshop i attend with them.
• The CPE holds auditions for new members. 6 people including Jason Nieblas and Adam Jaso.
• Kim and i begin working on our friendship again.

May: Peace to the CC, Stuck in Limbo.

• after finishing the semester, I get offered the position of Director of SP!T for UTM. I accept and begin creating more in depth with Urban Theatre Movement. my first Show for them is Scheduled in June.
• I say good bye to Cypress College. 
• The yearly Disneyland trip for Aileen's Birthday continues. We celebrate her 9th birthday at the happiness place on earth: anywhere with her daddy. :)
• I quit The CPE due to differences in vision. I choose to focus all of my creative energy with Urban Theatre Movement. as the CPE breaks down i ask Kim Gonzalez and Adam Jaso to join me with UTM, along with Caitlin. We begin to plant seeds in fertile, creative soil called UTM.

June: SP!T Reinvented

• The first SP!T i direct is a mixed success. The talent was abundant but the venue was not. Mistakes were made but that is part of the learning process. I commit to improving it for the next one.

July: Independence from Dependence

• Spend the 4th in San Diego and chill with the siblings.

August: Can't Take the Hood out the Homeboy

• I participate in the last unofficial reading for Short Eyes which is UTM's next main stage production. 

Insomnia (1/30) NaPoMo

I can’t sleep... too much on my mind like cluttered closets covered in costumes that consume me by consummating and assuming my most recognized identity. Aversion towards myself: is the version I keep hidden from public eye, even though it’s forbidden to be that open about being love stricken if it leaves you guilt ridden, like secrets revealed underneath the fine linen of premium mattresses. I find the realest version of me when I’m being someone else opposite beautiful actresses, but always leaving just enough room for the corrective asterisk, at the risk of being mislabeled by judgmental fingers that’ll motion; tsk tsk... I long to make love while John Lennon tells me to Hide My Love Away, but it was Faul who said to Let It Be. As the record spins repeatedly, until all that is left is static noise. Phallic toys placed in between the uncomfortable silence that follows when the intimacy ends, and the awkwardness begins, between two strangers, while the only thing left to say is “ It’s getting late, I should get going.” Both parties relieved for the impending departing, for the spark conceived, once passionately burning, is now the emptiness of loneliness being fed for the time being. My hour of rest is calling. Until the honey dew voice with the hungry new vice: my touch, which is slightly warmer than ice, speaks with the residual tone of one who’s been constantly defeated. Her inner conflict interrupts my train of thought as she says, “Wanna do it again?” Summoning the insatiable lust, Rummaging for a a new Jimmy to bust, no longer a need to pretend, with this single serving friend who quickly mounts up, knowing the connection is fleeting. Each moment succeeding in revealing the deepest wounds within each other that need healing. Ride the pain away while I gaze at the ceiling, daydreaming of a day now passed, while night owls brings on heavy breathing in between pleasured moaning, but why then am I crying? Did i forget to blink in my mourning? The last of the illusion fades with the first light of the morning.

And I just want to be alone